There are moments in my life that I will always remember.
My brothers and I playing in the park as children.
Walking to school with my mum, holding her hand, chatting and singing.
The day I first saw Ed.
The day I got married.
When my daughter was first passed to me wearing a hat.
and that moment, when I came home, blissfully happy after being at a friends house all day, 7 months pregnant, huge, happy and in need of sleep. That moment, alone when I saw the email, when I opened it…
and saw; visa rejected.
The strength left my body, I fell to my knees and moaned a guttural cry, the heartbreaking pain seared through me. I held my stomach, my baby and the prospect of bringing her into this world alone. That moment crippled me.
My husband rushed home, picked me up off the floor and looked so incredibly sad.
Yet we were the lucky ones, we had time to reapply to the home office, even though it meant I had to wobble over the Thai/Cambodian border to extend my visa for the extra 2 weeks in Bangkok.
It resulted in costs of over £1,000 and all for a 6 month tourist visa to the UK, so my husband could be there to hold my hand and see the birth of our daughter.
Here I am exactly 2 years later, alone. Experiencing more moments.
Like the moment I found out mum has breast cancer.
The moment we decided I should move back to England, with my daughter, to be with mum and without my husband.
A moment I never expected. A decision I should not have to make, between my precious mum and my dear husband. More on that here
I am sorry darling daughter that you now see Papa on the phone, I miss him, I miss our little family together, I miss seeing you play with papa and going on adventures to chat up the neighborhood. I am trying so damn hard baby girl and using every, single ounce of my strength to hold onto love, faith, hope and a future with us all together defying the odds.
I just hope it will be ok and although I have no idea of the next moment when we will see daddy.
That moment will come.